Home

Advertisement

(no subject)  
10:52am 24/04/2007
 
 
princessophelia
New journal.

It will be updated.

With pictures.

And other random crap.

Booya.

Comment to be added.

[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
[info]eirinn_niamh
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
(no subject)  
10:37am 24/04/2007
 
 
princessophelia
right.

i'm creating a new journal.

i'll give you the screen name.
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
(no subject)  
09:03pm 23/04/2007
 
 
princessophelia
Right.

Real proper long update tomorrow.

well overdue.


but right now i need to cut and sleep.

im bad at el-jay.
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Long Time no update again.  
03:18pm 09/01/2007
 
 
princessophelia
Ok so we all know I'm actually crap at updating.
You love it *rolls eyes*

So here I am, I got work at 5.
urgh.
I like work again, it's amusing working with 40 year old sexually frustrated dirty women. HA

I'm back ar college for the new year and I'm working hard and loving it.
I got photography on Mondays, Wednedays is Ceramic and Fridays is Graphic Design. Even though I actually hate graphic design I'm working hard at it, and it's paying off.

My life seems to be looking on the up now Alfie is back being my boyfriend again. It sounds really stupid but it's true, I can't cope without him. Life just isn't worth living. I kinda believe he is the one.
I'm only 17, but in a month i'm 18, whoop whoop.

Alfie and I have been back together a week and well, it's fabulous. It sucks he's at university, but after college and work I'm going to visit him tomorrow. My stuff is already packed for the journey. God i'm excited.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Sums it up.

Also, since me and Alfie have been back together I have only cut once, in a week, which is impressive considering since me and Alfie split up I was cutting everyday.

Anywho... picture time....

Read more... )
 
    Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
I'm useless at updating...  
12:29am 03/01/2007
 
 
princessophelia
I'm absolutely crap at updating.

But

New year.

I.WAS.WANKERED


Went to Saz's, played drinking games. Sat with Saz and Sam.
Got taxi to the bell.
Met with Olli, Jamie-Sarah, Katie, Polly, Joey.
Got even more drunk.
Did first aid because Katie sliced her thumb open.
Hit mdinight, sang stupid song.

Got Katie to George to walk her home.

Staggered down to Mickies.
Kissed Alfie.

(and I'm gonna cpy and paste part of my msn convo because I'm laazy)

Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:17:31)
asked for him back
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:17:34)
and he refused
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:17:37)
cue tears
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:17:39)
shouting
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:17:40)
begging
''QuAcKiTy QuAcK'' , said Duck says: (23:17:41)
oh dear
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:17:41)
etc
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:17:59)
spent all night when i got home crying
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:18:04)
cried all day yesturday
''QuAcKiTy QuAcK'' , said Duck says: (23:18:13)
poo
''QuAcKiTy QuAcK'' , said Duck says: (23:18:20)
back to college tomoz though
''QuAcKiTy QuAcK'' , said Duck says: (23:18:22)
yaaaay lol
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:18:24)
then he came round at 9
Erin - It's gonna be ok. says: (23:18:28)
and said he'd take me back


Alfie took me back.
I am amazed.
I'm so happy,
Ahhhh.

Can't update today sorry.... too happy.

Wil update again properly.
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
GREGA  
03:58am 23/12/2006
 
 
princessophelia
I like him. greg. so much, and he just doesn;'t seem to want me, atr all. god i'm stpid when i've been drinking, but god i almostt hate myself for liking him this much.

i just, man i like him so much, i feel so untouchable though,

because of the pregnancy abotion thins.

that no guy will ever touch me agaib, purely because i had an abortion.

i'm just so goddamn dirty and ugly.
\

eah i suck....
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Hum  
07:48pm 17/12/2006
 
 
princessophelia
So I had the abortion thursday.
And it's completely taken everything out of me.

I'm either manic happiness or crying my little heart out.
How sad is that?

I'm lying to myself and everybody around me pretending I'm coping when it's so obvious I'm not.
Oh.

I dunno. I just don't know what to say.
I really don't.
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Oh  
04:42pm 15/12/2006
 
 
princessophelia
I had the abortion yesturday.
I'm so numb I can't even cut right now.

But the pain of my body is seeming to suffice right now.
x-posted.
 
    Read 8 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Today  
10:38am 11/12/2006
 
 
princessophelia
Today i'm going to have the scan to see how many week I have gone.
And if I'm under 9 weeks then tomorrow I will have the abortion.

The only thing is the scan in internal, and my thighs, oh dear....

But because they are just scars i'm going to say it was something I went through when I was younger, that I have stopped now.
*sigh*


I really like Greg, it really sucks.
Nevermind.


I dont really want a relationship if I'm being honest, well I do,
but I shouldn't get into one, because of the matters above.

Anyways.

I'm off.
 
    Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Greg  
12:07am 04/12/2006
 
 
princessophelia
God here we go again.

I've met someone.
And I don't have a hope in hell while i'm pregnant.
Basically he's called Greg and he's a friend of Vicki.
And I well like him.

I stayed round his friday night because I spent all my money on alcohol.
(I have a habit of doing that).

I slept in his bed. With him. He wanted sex. I was like "I would, but..."
I couldn't tell him because I feel so dirty.
He said he didn't matter and hugged me and he fell asleep.
I cried.

I saw him saturday night in lidls and smiled and stuff.
That was it.
I feel so stupid.

I'm going to Bexhill College tuesday as a laugh and I want to see him.
Yet I don't know what to do.
I really like this guy.

God i'm such a screw up.









In other news my first consultation for the abortion is thursday at 1.30.
joy.




song of the day: -
Jamelia - Beware of The Dog
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Crying In My sleep  
10:33pm 29/11/2006
 
 
princessophelia
phunbee - Thank you. Yeah it is all abit crap right now. But i'm doing my best to hang on.
Nikita - I can't get sick of hugs right now, I really can't. Even if they do make me cry.


Last night I cried myself to sleep and this morning I woke up still crying. I was amazed. I don't think I can cry much more but the amount of times I'm breaking down is absolutely amazing. I can break down anywhere right now. Such as earlier in the shops with Laura, at work in the big freezer thing at the back.

I can't eat I feel constantly sick. It isn't morning sickness or flu or anything, it's way to early for that, it's just a constant sick feeling, like I have been invaded by something that shouldn't be there.

If I had a gun I'd shoot myself.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and not wake up. Except my bed is a mess and I have no will to tidy it up, in fact I have no will to do anything right now. Getting out of bed in the mornings is hard enough. I just want someone to give me a real life proper hug. Unfortunately no-one can do that for me, for once a hug isn't going to make this go away.

Oh how I wish it was.

I'm so scared to. I'm scared to go through with this in case it kills me. How stupid is that? I'm saying I want to die but not by this procedure. Well you know why that is, because I'm not in control. I need to be in control and right now I'm not in control of anything. Not my thoughts, or my actions. I'm just not quite comprehending quite what is going on.

The other night was really nice. When I stayed at Travis'. I wish I could go back there, I felt safe, I felt secure and I knew that I was going to be ok. Now I feel so freaking lost. And completely not there. Numb to the world.

Oh how I'm a walking contradiction.

I want to go back to 10 months ago. Or i want to be dead.
And they called it a "depressive readjustment period" 3 years ago, when this had been going on already 2 years.

I hate people.
location: bedroom
music: Take This Life - In Flames
 
    Read 1 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Update Properly  
10:20pm 28/11/2006
 
 
princessophelia
I dumped the boyfriend yesturday because he is an alcoholic and I don't love him and never will. I feel bad, but for once in my goddamn life i'm doing something for me, not for anyone else, but for me. It's a kinda refreshing feeling.

Me and Travis are friends again after what seems an age me and him are closer and we are getting on well. That could be because he is going through problems right now. Really big problems, and i'm doing my best to help, I really am, except sometimes it feels like i'm being there for him for selfish reasons, which are, I couldn't cope if he went away for good. (I hope your getting at what I'm on about).

I went back to work today after having a week and a half signed off for depression. My life seems to have hit a all new time low (which I will explain in due course). I am cutting daily, and alot worse than I have before, which isn't really that bad, but it is for me.

I stayed round travis' sunday night and it was actually beautiful. we fell asleep in each others arms, like proper snuggled up. it was similar to when i just broke up with alfie and was staying with Travis like, 3 times a week, except without the sex, and this time we cuddled up to sleep. i was lovely. i stayed wednesday night too, but the ex-boyfriend was there and i slept between them. they'd been a small party.

anyway. another reason i broke up with the boyfriend was because i can't stand to look at him. i'm pregnant, and it's his child. and i have had to make the hardest decision ever. as much as i don't want to i will be having an abortion. i do not have the mental capacity nor the mental stability to look after a child. i can barely look after myself. i would loose my house, my family, my future. i'd love to have this child, but it would be unfair on the babe.

yet i still feel like a cunt.
i really do.

hence why i've been cutting everyday and showering at least 3 times a day. i feel dirty, i feel worse than i did when travis used me for sex. i spent the whole weekend crying about it and walkng infront of busses which friends had to keep dragging me away from.

friends reactions have been amazing though. some are really supportive and some are so patronising and condescending. it's not completely my fault. i was using protection it just is difficult to be 100% safe when your allergic to the pill.

oh bollocks. i'm crying.

nevermind.
i need to cut and then shower.


and these period like pains really don't help.
i don't want to miscarry.
god how hypocritical.
i want controlled abortion, not miscarrige.

anyways... shower.
location: In my room
mood: distressed distressed
music: Linkin Park - Numb
 
    Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Dear Diary...  
05:24pm 02/11/2006
 
 
princessophelia
I'm so useless at updating.

KTHANX

=|
 
    Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Is it, it is.  
05:53pm 22/10/2006
 
 
princessophelia
Coz we is like well cool.

Thursday was in town with the kids.

I was so like, sober... *shifty eyes*




Read more... )
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Out Last Night  
05:02pm 20/10/2006
 
 
princessophelia
Went out last night.
Meet the kids.

Read more... )
 
    Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
You Can't Disolve Whats Mine  
08:08pm 18/10/2006
 
 
princessophelia
I hate people.
Alot.

Me and Tom with long hair, well. Fuck him.
And Munky.
We shall see what happens with him.
Oh yes.

Friday I shagged Tom and Saturday I shagged Munky and last night I shagged Munky again.

Bonfire night on saturday was a right laugh. I was gay and fucking my camera up so I couldn't get photos. Which sucked. But we had so much pissed fun.

Anyway My weekend.

Friday

Alfie came and met me at college. We were silly and my tutor told him off. We got a lift up to my house from daddy and Alfie dressed up in my clothes and jumped around. Mummy came home from work and I think Alfie just about creamed with excitement.

I run out of tobacco so we walk down to my grandparents and Alfie creams just that little bit more, fortunatly before we leave for my grandparents Alfie takes off my clothes. Yes. Chill and chat with my grandparents about college and university.

Get back to mine and I shower and dress myself up. Alfie showers and dresses himself down and we munch the food mother has provided. Then we walk into Silverhill and get the bus to town with my free bus pass that I found. Get into town and go to Wetherspoons and have a drink. I text lots of people going "She-RA". Only because I'm so cool you understand. We finish our drinks and stand outside waiting for Emma. Meet Emma and walk along to the pig where she proceeds to throw a drink over me and Alfie. Martin turns up and we drink and start to get merry.

Matt and his friend Mark enter pig and eventually Me, Alfie, and Emma and Martin, join Matt and Mark in the back room of the pig. Have a few more drinks and then Me and Alfie decide to go to the Tubman and Emma goes to Trader Jacks to meet Matt Lucas. (A guy that looks like matt lucas anyway).

Me and Alfie go up the tubman, and then this is where it gets confusing, somehow we ended in the Carlise,I was carried, but then I think we were back in the pig. Not quite sure with this, but I know we definatly went back to the pig. Take some photos with Steph and lark about. THen we go back to the Tubman (why all this running about I have no idea).

And thats where the fun really starts.....

* me ranting about various people being cunts and pretty much screaming my head off about them
* me breaking down and crying to Kate through the toilet door
* conversations with tom that (i think) should have been had when sober. (considering I only have a vague idea of what was said).
* abit more screaming and yelling that people were cunts.
* drinking something i presumed was coke but was really jd and coke.
* more yelling on my part.


Then I loose a big blank bit of memory and the next thing I remeber is having a police man prod me to ask what had happened outside Club X's. Vaguely remember babbling crap to the police officer and then Kyle dragging me off up the hill. Run into Mike Stringer and he takes me into Club Xs for a drink. I get a drink and talk with tom I think. Then next thing I know I'm getting taxi to Toms. We chat on the pc to people in a pissed state. In the tubman he'd already kissed me and then he did again, and well it was really night. And we had sex and we left love bites and yeah, but it was abit of an anti climax, it really didnt make me very happy. Crash at Tom's and wake up the next morning and go to work.

Saturday

Alfie comes to mine and we get ready and go out. Walk to town because I lost my free bus pass. We are already drinking at the point. Get into town, Alfie buys me more booze and meet Vicki, talk with Vicki and Coxy for abit then Vicki, Me and Alfie walk to the procession route and make alot of noise and drink alot more. Trek back into town and meet Jason Hampford and some other kid. They go to Londis and everybody gets seperated, I loose Vicki and them all. Talk with Martin McNulty and Marcus and Paul and that lot for awhile outside Londis and find Alfie. Head to the beach and run into some other people, god knows, find Greg.

Me and Greg go walking round town to find Vicki, I think we fail, not sure on this. Anyways, head back to the beach and I have a large blank spot. Can't remeber what the fuck happened. Next thing I know I'm sitting on the ledge between Vicki and Greg. Goes blank abit again. Me and Greg go down the beach to walk the fireworks and I think thats when I got groped by some random guy. See Caspian and jump on Caspian and some other kids from college. Hell I bruise easily.

Go back to the ledge and complain I want to go for a walk and greg says he'll come. Get as far as like down near the sea and I sit down, again. Sit and babble crap to Greg, nevermind. See Laura who's in tears so I sit with her and get her Will who was going to talk to Tasha who was sitting with tom and Munky. Swap places with Will and chat with Tasha. Or it was someone else I know, but I swear to god it was Tasha.

The memory fails me again.

Then next thing I know we are standing in the subway and Tom's yelling at me for his booze which is in his hot little hand. Next thing we are outside the subway I think and the only definate thing I can remeber about this is Tom babbling crap about the night before and me rolling my eyes thinking "Yes ok then". Talk with holly Dryden on the ledge (I have no idea how I got from the subway to the ledge). Then it all really goes fucking hazy.

But what we do remember is....

* Doing a full circle follwing Tom and me and Munky putting a cone infront of a car.
* Trying to rob Munky's booze and failing, miserably I might add.
* Going back to the Subway and talking with some 13 year olds.
* Going up to opposite the Carlise and seeing Caspian and Ben and me Tom and Munky talking with some guy and his kids and Tom proclaiming they were "Really Cool".
* Hitting myself round the head with a stick many many many times.

It goes all blank again and then next thing I remeber is Me and Munky watching Tom chunder like a bitch. Tom chunders royally and then decides he's going to Crash to meet Ben. Me and Munky head up the Tubman and I have another drink and start to really see Tripple. Somehow end up in Club XS again, have no idea how though. Leave and with Munky and head down to the Taxi rank. Get Taxi back to Munkys. Play on his pc and then he kissed me, he'd also already kissed me in the tubman quite abit and well, lets just put it this way, it was better than Tom, not the actualy sex, but everything. I think Munky is turning into a nicer person than Tom.and then fall asleep somehow.

Sunday

Wake up the next morning and call in sick, go back to sleep. Spend most of Sunday asleep or feeling ill. Watched HotShots and spelt some more. At about 8 oclock went up to Tom's and they drunk abit more Vodka. Watched Tv and gerally was decrepid and fragile as it happens. Try and piece our memories together of the night before and Tom really doesn't believe he chundered. I got colder and colder and wore more and more hoodies. Untill at about 4ish I feel asleep looking liek a big black blob. Slept through untill 7 when my alarm unceremnisly woke me up. Went back to sleep and then woke up again at 7.30. Walked into ore and got Taxi to home, washed dressed and then went to college.

As you can tell college drove me up the wall, we went to London but it was all ok because me and Ben spent alot of it chatting and so did me and Toni. No work was actually achieved.

Fell asleep on the coach back, Daddy picked me up, bought me fish and chips, came home, checked mail, and fell asleep infront of the TV.

And some photo ma-thingys.

Read more... )
 
    Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Meme thing  
12:46pm 12/10/2006
 
 
princessophelia
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

I miss somebody right now.  (TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM) × I don't watch much TV these days.  (Hell no. I hate TV) I own lots of books.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (Bit of both.) × I love to play video games. I've tried marijuana.  (Yes, yes and yes)
I've watched porn movies. × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.  (I am the psyco ex) × I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (Why isn't there a maybe option?)
I curse sometimes.  (Too much) I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
it goes on... )
 
    Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Once Twice Three Times (a lady)  
10:48am 12/10/2006
 
 
princessophelia
Last night I drank abit too much.
Went round Garths and drank a bottle of Lambarini, a bottle of Wine and some Captain Morgans.
I was very very very very very drunk.

I spoke on msn at Garths to people and made an idiot out of myself.
I was like in my underwear on webcam to Tom and Matt.
Considering neither of them know I cut I fucked up abit.

Hahaha. I don't care.

I puked not once, not twice, but three times (a lady).
Garth wanted sex but I refused multiple times.
I'm good like that.

And now i'm home feeling abit worse for wear, but it's all cool.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd.
Alfie is coming down from Uni tomorrow to visit!!!
Friday we are going out drinking in the pig, whoop whoop.
And then Saturday it's the bonfire procession.
Street drinking is so much fun and like wow the best.

Bring it on.

And I'm creating hip bones.
One meal a day is doing me good.
Considering the amount of alcohol I drink you can't really say I'm restricting, but hey.
It's all good.

Read more... )

And this song today!

 
    Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
Trolls  
10:13am 10/10/2006
 
 
princessophelia
Some fucking troll has left some rude messages.
Oh dear.
Poor me.
The thing is though, they are the fucking pathetic one.
They have stumbled across a journal that has tweaked them, so they leave abusive comments.
Thats because they are so mature.

Oh dear.
This would be actually even more amusing if a gave it a moments thought.

Anyway.
I was late last night drawing and doodling, and drinking and talking to Tom and Matt online. And Tom was asking for more half naked pictures. Hahah. I might be meeting up with him abit later. He's working at 5 again. And he's working 5-12 every night till Friday and frisay he's coming out. Probably not with us, like my group, but this town is so small I'm bound to run into him. It would be nice to see him later.

I'm also going into town today to go look for a new job. Morrison is going to turn me actually insane, if I wasn't already halfway there. So I have Cv's and I'm going to grab a pen and go attack the town. Again.

Me and Travis (guy who used me for sex) are kinda talking again which isn't too bad. And well yeah.

College is so difficult, I think it's because of my lack of lust for life. I'm falling asleep, spending all my time surfing the net or just gazing into space when I am at college. And if I'm not at college I'm either crying or asleep, or drunk.

It's a good job I'm seeing the psycologist tomorrow really. I'm getting my long awaited diagnosis which I've been after for 6 years. There going to be doing blood tests to see wether I have a chemical inbalance and they will be psyco-analysing me. Doesn't that sound fun? It's at 11.30 so if it goes well I'll go into college, if it doesn't I've got poeple to see so i'm safe. Today I worked out it's 6 years since I started therapy, 8 years since I started cutting and burning and genrally injuring myself, 3 years for my disordered eating and 2 years since I last tried to kill myself. 4 years since I started abusing alcohol and drugs to escape from reality.

And people say I'm fine. I think the crazy is trying to leak out of my system. It's so difficult hiding it from Tom and Matt. I'm not quite sure why I'm hiding it, maybe it's because I like Tom and would like us to get together? The thing is, I just, *sigh*.

I want to go back to bed and curl up and sleep through forever. But I can't. Change comes from within and if I ever want to get better then I have to start. Even if the thought of walking out that door is making me feel sick.

Ah well.
I'll update later with stories of looking for jobs, maybe drunkness and wether I bother eating today.
 
    Read 2 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 
FUCK  
12:50am 29/09/2006
 
 
princessophelia
I was meant to be getting my diagnosis tomorrow.
But no, the bitch has bailed on me. Now I don't see her till the 11th of october, erm hello, I COULD BE DEAD BY THEN THANK YOU!!!.
My alcohol worker bailed on me too.

I was meant to be seeing my alcohol lady today and my new adult mental health lady tomorrow.

And now.
Well lets go shredder myself.
 
    Read 1 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
 


 
 
 
Links  
  Under The Skin
Lunch Box
Post Secrets
My Space
My DeviantART
 
Navigation  
  Previous 20
 
April 2007  
 
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930
 


  Powered by
LiveJournal.com